It’s January 2014.
In
December I turned 31 and Jake and I celebrated our 4
th wedding
anniversary.
I haven’t written a blog
post since April 2013.
It’s been one
heck of a year since last April and I haven’t really known how to feel about it
or how to feel about our new lives since moving to Oklahoma, which is why I
have mostly remained silent on the blog.
Blogs are for writing happy things and telling happy stories. Although
I’ve had happy moments since April 2013, overall I’ve been trying to find my
equilibrium again, which has been somewhat of a struggle at times.
To summarize those few months since April,
Jake graduated from dental school, commissioned in the army and started his
four weeks of officer’s training before we moved to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma in July
in order for him to start a one-year residency.
Of course these are all wonderful things that I am grateful for.
However, since that time I have struggled to find
out how I fit in in a place with a culture seemingly foreign to me while Jake
is continuing his career. On top of undergoing all of these changes we’ve also
been trying to get pregnant.
These
circumstances don’t always make for smooth sailing and I’ve definitely had my
various moments these last several months.
The New Year opened up with news that hit me especially hard
although it’s likely that it would seem trivial to an outsider.
After more than two years of being off of
birth control and then seriously trying to conceive for 6 months I finally went
to the doctor in order to get a referral to see a specialist.
Even the visit to the doctor to receive this
referral was troubling for me.
In order
to make that appointment I had to acknowledge to myself that I am not going to be
able to do this on my own.
This was
after an extended amount of time of wishing and hoping that seeing a fertility
specialist would not be necessary.
Then,
as the new-year approached I received the information that I had been referred
to a specialist in Ft. Worth, TX.
That
is three hours away.
Immediately I
started to hate Oklahoma and bemoan the fact that I lived in a place that
didn’t have the medical care I needed closer to home.
After trying to conceive for more than two
years it felt to me like God didn’t want me to have a baby. I was confused and
hurt.
After contemplation I have
realized that at this point any sort of roadblock that will prolong my ability
to get pregnant is going to be painful to bear.
Every obstruction only delays the strongest
desire of my heart for what I feel I have already waited so long for.
I know that am only in the beginning of this journey.
I don’t mean to compare my feelings or my
situation to anyone else’s.
I know that
people that are dealing with infertility have had many more difficult
situations to face than myself.
What my
experiences thus far have taught me is that infertility is an emotional battle.
If getting a referral to see a specialist
that is three hours away can lead me to tears, I can only imagine the pain a
person must feel further into this process.
At this point, I don’t know what the future holds and that is really the
scariest thing of all. This post isn’t a plea for sympathy, but it is a plea
for sensitivity.
Any time anyone asks
the question about us “When are they going to have kids,” or “Are they ever
going to have kids” it just puts salt into a wound that grows a little bigger
month after month.
I also don’t write
this with an intention to push people away.
I don’t want to scare the people closest to me into avoiding the topic
altogether.
I want people to ask me how
I am and how everything is going because even though it’s hard to admit it, I
am desperate for an empathetic ear. Obviously, it is my hope and prayer that
Jake and I will be lead down a path that will bless us with the opportunity to
start a family.
It is my hope that you
will pray for us also.
